A few weeks ago I was very impressed by a blog post that I read written by a man who had just gotten divorced about the things that he wished he had done differently in his marriage. You can read his article here:
I really liked this, but as I was thinking about it and appreciating the fact that I have a husband who actually lives up to the advice that was given there, I was noticing a pattern in a lot of the things that I have recently seen- men are constantly being told that they need to work harder and do more to keep their marriages going, and there wasn't much being said to women along the same lines. Keeping a marriage going strong requires more than just the man to do all of the work, a committed and successful marriage takes two people, both willing to work hard and give 100% of themselves to it. Ladies, we need to work too! So, here is my advice to women on how to keep your marriage strong:
1. Put your spouse's needs before your own. Now, this advice actually only works if it applies to both parties. This is the #1 advice that I give to all married couples when they have that "give us advice in a sentence" paper at their receptions. Both of you love one another, otherwise you would never have married. Both of you have needs and sometimes those needs do not always coincide with each other. If you each commit to putting the others needs before your own, you will both be insanely happy. Sometimes, you have to give in and let the other person win, sometimes I let my husband put my needs or desires above his own, sometimes he lets me put his above mine. The important thing is that you are both constantly striving to make the other person happy and as my husband and I have felt and witnessed, we are both happiest when our spouse is happiest!
2. Give yourself fully to your husband. I am not going to go into detail when talking about sex, but I do want to say that men and women do view sex differently
and that is okay, as long as both sides understand the other's view of it and can put that other view ahead of their own sometimes (see #1 above). Women aren't the only ones who get insecure about their looks and their bodies- husbands need to know that you, as their wife, find them sexy and attractive. That you WANT them as much as they want you! I'm not saying that you need to prostitute yourself to him for the price of wedding vows, or that you have to suddenly become a sex machine, but when I see shows where the couple is in bed and one of them turns to the other to initiate intimacy and the other person says something like "it's not even Saturday night", I don't see that as a healthy sexual relationship- sex should never be a routine. Your husband loves you, and the way men experience sex, it isn't just about emotions, like it is for women, but it is about intimacy. If you are concerned about having a low libido, talk to your OBGYN, or look it up online- here is a site that might be helpful:
3. Accept him for everything that he is. Your husband isn't perfect. Newsflash- neither are you! I read a story once about a woman who had blamed her husband for 50 years for the little spots in the mirror from brushing his teeth. Then, after he passed away, she noticed that those spots in the mirror still came back and felt ashamed for the fact that she had blamed him all along for something she was doing. Don't stress about those small things! You have chosen your spouse, both the good and the bad, and you need to accept them for who they are! If there is something really wrong, speak to him about it KINDLY- throwing around accusations and demeaning him will do nothing but drive a rift between you. Accentuate the positive, and work together on things that need to be adjusted. Often starting out with a compliment and then gently bringing up the thing that you feel needs to be changed will be your best approach. In general, though, I have found for myself that nit picking at things that I think are wrong doesn't work, both I and he are happier if I just let it go and only work on fixing something if it truly is important. *Personal example- Oddly I am the gassy smelly one in my relationship, actually I think it is weird that my husband never seems to need to pass gas, but I have IBS and often have gas, especially at night. I know so many people who when someone passes gas they freak out and don't want to be anywhere near that "smelly" person, but my husband doesn't seem to mind it at all! I think he is a saint (or maybe he doesn't have a sensitive nose at all) for putting up with how gross and smelly I am, but it doesn't matter to him! He would rather cuddle with me, farts and all, than be on the other side of the room. Ladies, that is true love for you!
4. Support him as your full and equal partner. I will admit it, I am the responsible one in my relationship, I do the banking, pay the bills, do the taxes every year. However, I have a tendency to make a lot of the big decisions really quickly, at least in my head and my heart. I will decide that something needs to happen a certain way for our family and suddenly it is set in my mind that is how it will happen. But, my flaw is that I am very emotional, and my husband, bless his heart, tends to allow time to think things through, to really ponder and pray about them. Often, he will reach the same conclusion that I reached, but sometimes that isn't the case. However, I have always found that his thoughtful decisions and guidance are far superior to my emotional instant ones. Men (generally) are more rational than women are, I have accepted that, and I think that makes it best to agree on all important decisions together, listen to his guidance and accept his wisdom, you don't always have to agree with it, but make decisions together and respect him.
5. Grow and Change TOGETHER. I never believe it when I hear one person say, "my spouse has changed so much, but I haven't changed at all"; I'm sorry, but that is impossible! Everyone changes, all of the time. We are constantly learning from our experiences and changing accordingly, but if you want to have a truly healthy relationship, have those experiences together, as often as is possible! If he likes Science Fiction and you like Romance, then find ways to compromise, take turns choosing the movie, or find something that has aspects of both genres. Find something that you both like and do it together, or go the extra mile and try to gain an interest in the things that he enjoys- play a video game with him, go for a hike together, etc. Shared experiences are what define the best of relationships. My husband and I love reading together (he is super into sci fi, and I love romance), but we found that there are a great many books that we can both enjoy and whenever we find something that we think the other will enjoy, we save it for each other. *Personal experience, my husband felt rather betrayed when I read the first "Hunger Games" without him and loved it (I knew after the first chapter it would be one we would want to read together, but I got so lost in the book that I couldn't put it down), so we both read it together before I would even touch the sequels and we enjoyed the full series together.
6. To echo the other guy- Be Accountable for your own Emotions. Women are super emotional beings and while men don't tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves as much as women do, they do have them and they can run deep. Often the conflict arises when one person (honestly, it is usually us in this case, ladies) makes an assumption about the other persons feelings. My husband showed this to me and I thought it was so funny and true:
You ARE responsible for your own happiness and when you both continue to put the other persons needs before your own, your happiness together will increase!
7. Give him space. Sometimes, when you think he is upset about something, he really is, but that doesn't mean it is you. I have this problem a lot as a wife, my husband will have had a bad day at work and come home in a bad mood. I feel like it is all my fault, that he should be so blissfully happy upon his return home that nothing else in the world could make him sad, but that just isn't true. There are ups and downs in all of our lives, and men aren't like women, they don't want to talk for hours on end about something bad that happened. Sometimes all he needs is a little time and space to get past it. Just let him know that you love him and support him and will be here for him if he wants to talk about it. If he doesn't, walk away, give him space, her will appreciate it and maybe come to you later to talk about it when he is ready.
8. Pray for your husband. I know not everyone believes in God or the power of prayer, so I would say to those to do the equivalent without prayer, take 5 minutes a day to stop and think about him, what is going on in his life, how are things at work, how is he doing at accomplishing his dreams and how can you help him to make some of those dreams a reality? As you take that time everyday to pray for/think of him and what he is going through, your love for him will increase and your relationship will improve by leaps and bounds!
9. Don't react immediately! As I said before, your husband isn't perfect, he will make a mistake. Sometimes that mistake is in saying that something makes you look fat and it hurt your feelings, sometimes it is something significantly worse. But no problems were ever solved by screaming at each other. If he does make a mistake, evaluate if it is an important one, take some time to think about it and consider- was he trying to hurt you, or was it an innocent mistake, or is it truly helpful to know that if I wear that skirt everyone will see that my butt looks big in it? If the offense doesn't have much merit, let it slide, it isn't worth a fight, but if it truly does have merit, wait until a time when you can be alone together and have all of the time in the world to gently discuss it. *Personal experience- there was one time when I said something offhand that hurt my husband's feelings. We were on our way to visit with family and rather than quickly retort, he waited until we were going to bed that night to tell him how much I had hurt his feelings. He did so gently and I felt horrible. The beautiful thing is, that he knew I wasn't trying to hurt him and he loved me and forgave me, but I didn't even know that I had caused the offense until he told me. So, yes, you can tell him, but do so gently, assuming the best about him while having your talk, I promise it will work out for the best if you try to act with thought and not an immediate, emotional reaction.
10. Lift him up, never tear him down. Your husband needs to know that you support him, in everything he does or wants to do. You have given your life to him, and if he has a crazy dream, do whatever you can to support that dream, as long as it is within the realm of still keeping your family cared for. *Personal experience- my husband is an artist and recently he has picked up an agent for writing and illustrating children's books, which has always been a dream of his. I used to claim every night, snuggling on the couch together either reading or watching TV or a movie together as soon as the kids went to bed- it was "my time", but I have recently begun encouraging him to take the first hour or so of that time after the kids go to bed to get some more work done. We still stay in the same room and watch a movie together, but I encourage him to pursue his dream of creating characters that the whole world will see and love and while it means less snuggles for me, he appreciates the faith that I am showing in him and his art work!
11. Be responsible for yourself. As much as it might seem like this contradicts #4 above, it really doesn't when you think about it. You have a Dr's bill from your OBGYN, you were the one who went there, you were the one who signed your name to that contract with the Dr, when it is time to pay that bill, pay it, don't hem and haw about how your husband is the one who pays all of the bills and you gave it to him 4 months ago, but he hasn't paid it and now you are being sent to a collection agency. You are a grown up, act like it!
12. Don't fight about something as petty as money. Yes, money is hard, trust me, I know. Money stresses me out and the lack thereof stresses me out even more! Set up an agreement with your husband about your spending BEFORE you spend it! Debt is an incredible burden, and the conflict over how money is spent one of the biggest reasons that marriages end. You need to both agree on how you will spend your money and where it will go. I'm not saying you have to suddenly become a super budgeter (I, personally, do not keep track of every single penny, but I have learned how to live within my means) but you do need to agree on how much money you each have to spend on anything extra (which pretty much means anything that doesn't cover the basics necessities of life). Depending on where you are at in life financially that might mean that once a month you each get $20 to spend on yourself for a movie or book or something; or it might mean that he sets $500 a month aside for his boat purchase and you have the same amount to spend shopping- that is between you and your spouse, but agree on it before hand, not after you went out and spend $800 at Macy's when there isn't enough money to pay the utility bills.
13. Appreciate him! Even when he does it wrong, he is still taking the time and effort to do things for you. When he hits the store on his way home from work because you are out of shampoo and asked him to pick some up for you, but got the wrong brand; or when he tried to fix the sink in the bathroom only to cause a small flood. Instead of criticizing him for getting the wrong brand despite the fact that you told him which brand to get or assumed that he knew since you have been using the same stuff for a decade, or making a big deal out of having to now call a plumber to fix his blunder, be grateful for the fact that he took the time to go out of his way and stop at the store at all or made the effort to save you guys a $300 house call! Give him a hug, maybe a kiss, tell him how much you appreciate his doing that for you, then gently add on that next time, this is the brand I wanted, not this one. Who knows, maybe you will discover that you like this other brand and you have learned now NOT to fix a bathroom sink! Not only that, but take the time to appreciate the little things that he does every day, thank him for working hard to provide for the family, show him that you appreciate what a good father he is! No matter what, I guarantee that you can find at least one thing every day to do for him to show your appreciation of him.
14. Do unexpected Acts of Kindness for him! You love it when he brings you home flowers for no other reason than to say "I Love You", so do something similar for him! Write him a note, get his favorite candy bar at the store and put it on his pillow, send him a text in the middle of the day to tell him you love him, make his favorite cookies, make whatever he wants for dinner, etc. Even something as simple as paying him an unexpected compliment will go a long way toward making him happy!
15. Snuggle and Kiss more. When you are sitting together watching a movie, don't sit in separate chairs, being in the same room, but not being together- sit next to each other on the couch, take off the back cushions and spoon, rest your head in his lap, swap hand massages, etc. Bodily contact will help strengthen your marriage more than straight up sex will. Be comfortable with his body and yours snuggled together. I also recently read this online article about kissing:
and I really liked it! Give that a shot- kiss for 15 seconds everyday when you see him after work- and don't be afraid to kiss in front of the kids- seeing that their parents love each other and show that affection for each other will be the greatest base for them having their own healthy relationships when they grow up!
I'm sure there is more and better advice out there, you can take or leave these things if you want, but they are the best advice that I, who have been incredibly happily married for over 13 years, can give. I'm not sure if you will believe me, but I cannot remember one single fight that my husband and I have had in our entire marriage. Don't get me wrong, we have both made mistakes and hurt the other person, but it was never in a yelling at each other fight. We both strive, constantly, to put the other person first, to focus on the best about each other and work at lifting each other up rather than raising ourself above the other.
